It started when Pie went off to school. I knew it would be hard but a little part of me was looking forward to some peaceful days. Well peaceful days have turned into peaceful weeks… With out realising it the low mood has crept back in. Slowly, unnoticed but as dark as before.

I recognised it quicker this time. The rising irritability, the lack of motivation and I am sorry to say but a slight slide in personal hygiene. Maybe I did realise it earlier than I wanted to admit. I knew I was struggling. But I figured it was normal to feel a bit lost when your child first starts school. Lost yes – totally derailed no.

Counselling / Pixabay

The school provides Pie with a routine and me too, to a certain extent. But the 6 hours he is away leaves me able to stew in my own juices quite uninterrupted. To torture myself with what I should or could be doing, but ultimately doing nothing. Feeling uninspired to eat, socialise or indeed shower.

I force myself out of the house on occasion. For Puddings sake I attend a class, potter into town or if its a particularly bad day we just about make it to the corner shop. I speak to no one other than my husband or my mother. If friends ask I maintain I am ok, just busy. Yep just busy sitting staring blankly at the TV. I can’t even pretend I am busy blogging! Maybe if I could concentrate long enough I would blog. But my mind flits about, not able to settle to anything. Like a constant turning cog, of a machine that keeps slipping it’s gears.

On the outside you would never know. I function. Childcare, work, chores, sleep, repeat. A robot going through the motions.

DigiPD / Pixabay

This time I caught myself getting frustrated over everything and nothing. Spotted the signs in my own self. From somewhere I found strength enough to say to my husband ‘I am not doing OK’. It’s only half the battle though. Now I need to act. To pull myself back and to get a grip on the darkness before it sucks me back in. I can do it – but I need to want to.

Tomorrow I will get up. I will shower, maybe even straighten my hair. When Pie wakes up I will be dressed, downstairs and breakfast will be ready for him. Let’s start small and work up from there. It’s time to crawl out of my well and stand in the beautiful autumn sunshine.

I will not be beaten by you PND, this is my time. My time with the children, to enjoy them and to nurture them. I only get this chance once and you won’t take it from me.

13 thoughts on “This Is My Time and You Won’t Take it From Me – PND”

  1. I am so pleased you were able to recognise the signs quicker this time; take each day as it comes, set small goals and do them until you are comfortable with them then increase them slightly – make sure you ask for and get all the support you need. You seem really determined to beat it and that’s a huge step in the right direction, best of luck I really hope your days get easier #EatSleepBlogRT x
    Happy Mummy recently posted…A Cosy Sunday Afternoon | The Ordinary MomentsMy Profile

  2. Sending you lot’s of love and light Zoe. It is a big step to be able to recognise the darkness approaching, an even bigger step to write about it and a huge step to start tackling it. You are, quite rightly, doing it one step at a time, taking it gradually. Keep going and don’t allow set backs to derail you. It’s a marathon and not a sprint. XXX #EatSleepBlogRT
    Sharon Parry recently posted…BritMums Teens and Tweens Round-up October 2016My Profile

  3. This too shall pass. The good thing is you can recognise the signs in yourself. Keep on keeping on and remember you are stronger than you realise. You’re very brave to share this especially today on mental health awareness day. Bestest of wishes x #EatSleepBlogRT

  4. Hugs mama! I am glad you spoke up that you weren’t doing okay. I hope you can feel better soon. Thanks for sharing such an honest post. Hang in there!! #eatsleepblogRT

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