Parenting: The Bad & The Downright Disgusting

So you knew parenting would have good and bad bits right? But I bet you didn’t realise that it would at times just be downright grim! Of course you have seen the cutesy milestone cards ‘babies first smile’, ‘babies first wave’ ahhhhh. I expect someone brought those for your baby shower. Lovely little present for a Mum to be who is so full of hope and glowing with happiness. If you are a bit more cynical (like me) you may have seen the ‘alternative’ milestone cards; ‘first time baby wee’d in your face’ , ‘exploded nappy, shit to the armpits’ – yep they are pretty funny. In fact they almost make you take those rose-tinted glasses off.

TawnyNina / Pixabay

Oh ho ho ho I can hear you saying. Surely this post has been done to death? Everyone knows parenting is a hard and often thankless task… Yep it is, no news there. Not exactly an epiphany moment! Well this is the bad and the downright disgusting from a mother of two and a nurse to over 2000 babies. You ain’t seen nothing yet my friends…

The Bad;

  • Early mornings – I hate getting out of bed. I never have been a morning person. Children do NOT facilitate lie ins. Whether they are 3 days, 3 months, 3 years or 13 years. These pumped up duracell bunnies are up and at’em every morning. Unlike adults they don’t start the day gently with a coffee and a piece of toast. No No its light sabers at dawn…
GooKingSword / Pixabay
  • The noise – kids scream and they whine, babies cry and when they aren’t doing either of those they are still very LOUD! They talk loud, they sing loud and they play loud. They have a collection of noisy, irritating toys which play the same tinny melody over and over. Saying that silence is suspicious, very suspicious…
  • Twenty questions – yep so kids ask questions to learn. Unfortunately they will ask the same question 15 times in 10 minutes. Even if you answer it every single time, and explain your answer, they will continue to ask. Over and over and OVER like a monkey with a miniature cymbal. Until you are literally smoking from the ears. When they will turn round very innocently and say ‘you have said that Mummy’… Pass the GIN now!
stevepb / Pixabay
  • Food critics – have you ever spent hours cooking a meal to have it met with total disapproval? It is utterly soul-destroying. All those parenting books and magazines showing little darlings chomping happily. They lie. Most kids know if a vegetable has been secreted into a meal. They take one look at your culinary masterpiece, declare its disgusting without tasting it and fling it (or themselves) on the floor.
  • Refusing to sleep – argh this is the most frustrating thing. You know they are tired, be at the baby or the preschooler. Everyone will feel much better if they just have a little snooze. Will they sleep? Will they hell! You have rocked and shushed, made 2 drinks, tucked them in 10 times. But they are screaming, like a banshee. Repeat the above steps 5 times. Eventually they give in, you flick the kettle on for a quick brew. Before the damn thing has boiled they are awake again. Fully recharged, FML.
KManzela / Pixabay

The Downright Disgusting

  • Potty Poos – hooray you think we are in the potty training phase. No more disgusting nappies to deal with. My friend you are celebrating too soon. Because the one thing worse than a shitty nappy is having to scoop king kongs first dump of the day out of a potty. Shit is sticky, really sticky. It doesn’t just slide out and into the loo. It smears its way up the side, gets caught on the top and sits there like some hideous cake decoration. You can try to do the potty-skank to shake that bad boy off. But at the end of the day you know you are getting some loo roll and peeling it off. Usually with an accompanying wretching noise
  • Bogies, snot, dribble and slime – So your cute little baby has turned into a slightly sticky toddler. Usually excreting some kind of mucus out of one oraifice or another. Yummy. Worse still they insist on wiping this on you, on the sofa, the dog, the wall the floor and even the loo seat. Everytime you sit down there is a sticky wet patch to contend with. You look at the TV and the little darling has made a picture in the corner out of boogers. Whilst you try not to gag cleaning that delight up they are standing next to you raking those bogies out and eating them…
  • Germ Factories – all kids should come with a haz-mat label attached. They are literally crawling with bugs. Most don’t even seem to affect them for more than a day. But you catch little Timmy’s cold and you feel like you may have some kind of haemorrhagic fever. They also bring home some real delights like hand, foot and mouth. A virulent little bugger that has the whole family breaking out into tiny itchy blisters, a pox on all our houses. As for the infamous D & V well once your 2-year-old has come into the lounge said ‘Mummy’ and then promptly performed some kind of exorcist ritual over the washing airer you will know where I am coming from.
  • Eating – eurgh kids are such antisocial eaters. Worse than that chap in the pub who sprays crisps at you every time he says hello. Right off the bat they are grim. From newborn reflux all over your shoulder to weaning smoosh up the walls. Everything is half eaten. You put you hand down the side of the couch to find the remote to be greeted by a 4 day old half eaten banana covered in raisins. They eat with their mouth open, spray food out of their mouth and spit things they don’t like into your waiting hand.
tookapic / Pixabay
  • The licking phase – if you haven’t had this one yet you are in for a treat. Kids lick. Your arm, your face, the dog and these are the acceptablish things. It is not however; acceptable for them to lick shop windows, dried ketchup bottles at the cafe, the wheel of the car of the handle of the escalator (shudder). Besides being generally gross it is also exceptionally embarrassing to have to tell your child to stop licking things, you get some very odd looks…

There you have it – my list of The Bad and The Downright Disgusting bits of parenting. Would you agree? Have you got some other gems you would like to share?!


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