Potty Training A Poo Pirate

I am so glad that people have stopped asking about how the toilet training is going, now that Pie is 4 people assume correctly  incorrectly that we have successfully mastered this key milestone. I have tried all manners of bribery, stickers, chocolate buttons, reward charts, expensive potty’s, wine, new pants; you name it I have tried it. I have tried tough love, my husband once woke up for his night shift to hear me say that 5 pairs of trousers in an hour was unacceptable and that he would have to spend the last hour before his bath in the nuddy… But seriously I can’t keep up with the washing! You would think that as I started attempting to get Pie clean when he was 2 and half that we would in fact have cracked it, but you do not realise that he  is in fact a Poo Pirate, too busy conquering the Seven Seas of Wee too consider using a potty or heaven forbid a toilet!

sever111 / Pixabay

10 Rules for Potty Training Poo Pirate’s:

  1. Ye shall ‘ave th’ choice o’ which vestibule in which t’ ship thy internal waste. Once ye has made thy choice ye shalt nah change thy mind or whinge fer fear o’ bein’ strung up by thy ankles from th’ main mast  washin’ line.
  2. Thou shalt nah mug thine Mother off by pretendin’ thou has wee’d jus’ t’ receive bounty chocolate buttons, if thou dost ye shall be marooned on a desert island in time out.
  3. Successful use o’ th’ potty cannot be used against yer Mother t’ gain further treats aft th’ initial reward.
  4. No poo shall be left unattended in th’ potty due t’ th’ scurvy Sausage dogs love o’ all faecal matter, all poo must be immediately reported t’ th’ Cap’n
  5. No drink shall be consumed aft 6pm in th’ vague hope that yer bladder will be emptied afore bedtime, thus providin’ a dry nights sleep in ye hammock
  6. Only one portion o’ beans be allowed per day due t’ th’ magnitude o’ poo explosion per helpin’, furthermore ye will nah run around th’ deck wit’ a poopy bum, nor shall ye put thy skiddy underpants on thy head!
  7. Any hittin’, yellin’ or unruly behaviour aft th’ command t’ use th’ Potty has been issued will result in th’ Poo Pirate walkin’ th’ plank being marrooned in time out
  8. Proclaimin’ ‘Mummy I ‘ave damp pants’ ‘n then refusin’ t’ use th’ potty afore bein’ issued wit’ a new pair will be resolved by duelling a wrestling match
  9. Hands must be washed aft usin’ th’ potty, ’tis nah negotiable. Any non-compliance shall result in reduced rations o’ rum fun
  10. Th’ Mother shall ‘ave rest on Sunday’s from potty trainin’ the Poo Pirate. Daddy will be in charge o’ sailin’ th’ ship!

Have you struggled to get your kids clean and dry? Any fantastic tips that might help the Captain of this ship?


You Baby Me Mummy
Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
The Pramshed

46 thoughts on “Potty Training A Poo Pirate”

  • This is so brilliantly funny! (Even if it did take me ages to read the entire post due to my brain insisting on reading at a time when pirate!)

    Lu xx


  • Oh this is a fab post…unfortunately I have nothing helpful to offer as we have just started on this particular adventure. I can see it being a long voyage for us too! So upside downwardly if you’ve got any lessons learnt with your time on board please send them in a bottle to me (a bottle of something alcoholic…use waterproof ink, it’ll be fine!) xx

  • Loved this post! I’ve just started training my little one and at the moment the biggest obstacle is cleaning up after her. Every time she successfully uses the potty she gets really proud of herself and won’t let me chuck it away >.< She also likes to show it off to everyone else, aha. So good luck to both of us and hopefully it'll go more smoothly from now! x

    • Least she is enthusiastic! We could do with a sprinkle of enthusiasm over here (for me and Pie) Good luck with the toilet training, I bet you get there before we do! x

  • This was fantastically funny! We are just starting potty training. And lets just say mine is in the hiding while doing his business phase. Good luck to ya! #triballove

    • Ah the sneaking behind the sofa phase! Thats ok, until you decide to go pant free and have to hunt for poo! Good luck with it 🙂 xx

  • Great post and I remember it all well. I got my two boys through it and a bit like childbirth….it’s a pain that’s soon forgotten:) keep up the good work captain!;) x



  • Hahahaha… I know it’s probably not funny to have to live through this (we’re still to try it out with Caspian only being 15 months), but this post really made me laugh! Thanks for the tips matey 😉 #KCACOLS

    Nadia – ScandiMummy x

    • We have to have a sense of humour due to the length of time it has taken! Thanks for commenting and good luck when you get there 🙂 x

  • Oh dear…! I was so, so lucky with my eldest, who literally just decided he wanted to wear pants one day and that was that (apart from poos – we had a few poo issues for a couple of weeks!) People kept asking me what my secret was, but the truth was, he did it all by himself – I think he was just ready. Some (especially boys, from what I’ve heard) do take a bit longer for it to “click”, but it will eventually. Hang in there!
    #triballove #KCACOLS
    p.s. do your sausages seriously eat poo?! They are so gross….!

    • Wow you are super lucky – I wish you did have a secret answer for success! Yes I have heard boys can take a bit longer, fingers crossed we will crack it before he starts school… And yes the sausages do eat poo, its there dessert of choice! xx

  • Anything with the words ‘poo’ and ‘pirate’ and I am going to read it. And then, to see the post written in pirate speak – genius! I really enjoyed reading the post even though I can see the frustration behind it. Potty training is hard and you’ll get there. Remember – it all makes for good writing. #kcacols

    • Ha ha glad the title drew you in, even better that you enjoyed it when you got there. Fingers crossed we get this toilet training down by September… Thanks for your lovely comment x

    • I am hoping by the summer we will finally have cracked it – then its a couple of years rest before we start on Pudding! Thanks fo commenting and good luck for the summer x

    • Totally agree – try and wait until he is ready, I wish we hadn’t started so early in all honesty. Good luck when you get there! x

    • AH so you are only just starting this epic voyage – good luck to you! Glad the post made you laugh x

    • Glad you enjoyed the post, can’t wait for Sunday, I am not going to ask ‘do you need a wee’ for a whole 24 hours! x

  • Potty training is totally foreign ground for me. I’ve allowed myself to think about it once or twice now that my kiddo is over a year old, but I honestly wouldn’t even know where to begin. LOVE the pirate speak though-I have so much to learn x #KCACOLS

  • Hehe, this made me chuckle! My LO is 2.5 and we’ve been training since Oct. She’s going through a really reluctant stage recently, argh! Thankfully no.1’s don’t tend to go in the pants though! Finger crosses it stays that way! #kcacols #triballove

  • No experience yet as my little one is only 2 months old, but just wanted to say I enjoyed your post and it indeed made me chuckle. I didn’t think potty training and pirates would go together so well! #chucklemums

    • Argh poo patrol is the worst, I hate search and rescue bath poo’s even more… its all totally grim and I can’t wait for it to be over!! Thanks for commenting xx

  • Wow the second poo-eating dogs of #chucklemums! (mine does too if he has the chance. Dogs are gross). I haven’t started potty training yet but it’s on the agenda… I hope she isn’t a poo pirate! Thanks for linking! x

    • Eurgh the poo-eating really is not needed on top of the whole potty training mission! Hopefully you won’t have a poo pirate, I hear girls are supposedly better than boys! x

  • Lol fab post – very funny and cleverly written! Potty training can be really tough, I have no idea how we ever did it to be honest! Good luck with it and thanks for sharing on #fortheloveofBLOG x

    • I know we will get there but its the longest journey EVER! Thanks for your lovely comment, glad you enjoyed the post xx

  • Who are these people who can potty train in a two days? WHO ARE THEY and why aren’t they flogging themselves as potty training consultants and charging me hundreds of pounds to work their magic on my child?

    • I am so with you – loads of people have recommended books on how to toilet train your child in 3 days – pah, none of their tips work for this boy, I need SuperNanny!! Thanks for commenting xx

  • For mine it was a pride thing. As soon as she found out that other kids her age were trained and that she wouldn’t be able to go to school with them until she had it down, she was all business. #KCACOLS

    • I have seen some improvement since he started preschool – but he still loves to come out at the end of the day and announce to all and sundry that he has wet pants! Am going to have work super hard with him over the Summer… Thanks for commenting x

    • The only issue is that he seems immune to bribery and the shaming thing doesn’t work because he simply doesn’t care. At this rate he will be in nappies until he is 14 – thanks for hosting chick x

    • Ha ha I don’t think he would take wine bribes, but he may have to go with his dad to the shop to get me a few extra bottles if this continues! Thanks for commenting x

    • Ha ha I hope it wasn’t so bad that you blocked it for life (although I may end up doing that myself soon) keep your fingers crossed that it clicks by the end of the summer for us. Thanks for commenting x

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